As we boarded the overloaded boat that would take us across the swollen Magdalena River, my husband looked around for the non-existent life jackets and then said, “The next time you plan a trip, can we go somewhere closer to civilization? Some place where our lives won’t be in danger?”
I threw my head back and laughed.
He clutched the side of the boat tighter and gave me the evil eye.
It was then that I realized there was a fundamental disconnect between the ways we perceive and handle travel.
I’d long been trying to overlook the gap that was evident in everything from our packing habits to our beliefs about how far in advance one should arrive at the airport before a flight. In the boat, though, there was no denying our travel differences. I viewed the river crossing as an adventure that would make a great story. He viewed the trip as an unnecessary risk, the surrender of total control to someone who owned what was clearly an unreliable watercraft and who, for all we knew, had no boating credentials.
Neither point of view is wrong, but each is highly personal. Our attitudes about travel are not just a reflection of our personalities and an expression of the ways in which all of our past experiences have shaped us; they are also the screen against which all of our fantasies and anxieties are projected and played out when we’re far from home and free from the routines of daily life. Dealing with our own issues can be challenging enough when we’re traveling. Dealing with our partner’s issues, though, can be downright trying, changing not only the hopes for and experiences of the trip, but also our perspective about the entire relationship.
I had been traveling internationally and independently since I was 15, when I’d won a travel scholarship to study Spanish anywhere in the world. I chose Costa Rica and lived there for a summer and then I was hooked: England. France. Switzerland. China. Ecuador. Portugal. The Netherlands. Ireland. Cuba. Puerto Rico. Mexico. I’d seen and lived amidst grinding poverty and soaring skyscrapers. I’d figured out how to survive earthquakes and rides in or on all types of sketchy transportation. I’d eaten street food, suffered dysentery, and figured out how to get medical care abroad. I’d learned to live with cold showers, if not love them. I’d been swindled and grown wiser. I’d gone as local as possible and I’d become a better person, knowing cultures as deeply as an outsider can know them. I’d learned how to evaluate risks, manage fear, and seize opportunities. I’d learned how to pack (you never need nearly as much as you think and you’ll always forget something you need), how to plan, and how to rebound when things go wrong, as they inevitably did and always do.
My husband, on the other hand, had limited travel experience when we got married on a beach in Puerto Rico. We’d been friends for several years, shared many interests in common, and I considered him—and still do—to be the most amazing person I had ever known. I felt profoundly blessed to be committing myself to spending our lives together. But as far as travel was concerned, our experiences were wildly different. He’d come from Cuba to the United States as a refugee on a boat. Once he’d hit land, he was content to stay tied to it, settling down in big Northeastern cities. I was always thinking about the next journey. He was excited to see the world with me, but our trips together were marked by some serious turbulence in our otherwise peaceful and passionate marriage. Though our trip routines have become a bit smoother, we still have a lot to learn and work out in the travel aspect of our relationship. How might our travel together been improved if we’d known more about each other as travelers before we said “I do”?
For those of us who are insatiable travelers and view travel as something much more integral to our lives than a two week vacation once a year, knowing our partner’s travel personality is a critical but often overlooked aspect of the getting to know you phase. But just as you want to learn about each other’s financial habits, work tendencies, and desire to have children, you should also take the time to get to know one another as travelers. Don’t wait until you’re in the air, on the road, or in a boat without lifejackets to ask and answer the following questions:
*Where has your partner traveled?
*Does he or she have a passport?
*How does your partner plan for a trip?
*Does he or she pack heavy or travel light?
*Does your partner travel to relax or travel to know the world? (Not that these are mutually exclusive)
*What is his or her dream trip? What’s the country she’s always wanted to visit or
which he or she refuses to even consider?
*How does he or she cope with canceled flights and other unexpected events?
*Does your partner yearn for the comfort of an all-inclusive resort or prefer roughing it with a backpack and a tent?
*Is there anything in his or her history that may make travel together difficult or even dangerous?
*Is your partner willing and able to compromise your travel philosophy and style? And are you?
Once you’ve answered these questions, get at least one long-haul trip under your belt together and test out your travel compatibility before tying the knot. If the trip reveals differences, that’s okay; now you know what areas you need to work on. Revisit the questions and revise your travel planning practices together accordingly. What does each of you need in order to feel safe, prepared, and excited about your travels together? What strategies can you implement in your travel planning—from dreaming about travel to planning a trip and then actually taking it—to satisfy both of you if your travel personalities and styles are profoundly different? Start looking for answers together.
Entering into the commitment of partnership or marriage is one of the most special and important decisions you can make. You’ll grow as an individual and as a unit as you learn to accommodate another person’s needs and desires while maintaining your own identity. You’ll experience the exquisite joy of sharing moments with someone who knows you unlike any other person. Invest some time in the early stages of your relationship getting to know yourself and your partner as travelers. Though the journey is a long one that will be filled with obstacles and opportunities, as with any trip, the more you know before you take off, the more you’ll enjoy the ride.
Interesting post and great advice!
It is definitely something to think about, but of course there can always be exceptions. I would also normally advise years of dating before marriage, but we got married less than 3 months after meeting… without any travel together. LOL!
It was not something either of us would normally do, but sometimes you just “know” a soul mate and things work out. We just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary and the last 3 have been on the road during our open ended family world tour.
Like you, I have had much more experience traveling than my husband, but we find our travel styles very compatible like our living styles. We have different strengths and weaknesses ( common in marriages, eh?) but they seem to work FOR us.
We are totally different on the outside and totally the same on the inside.
We could not be taking this trip without both of our very different strengths.Even our weaknesses seem to mostly work for us.
We found that collaborative work together over the years like building a house together, parenting a child, cooking, entertaining, writing projects etc all helped us gain experience that aid us in our travels and life. We are really glad that we had almost 10 years together before adding a child and that we met late in life.
Our earlier travels together inspired this open ended journey as well as other collaborative projects…we were pretty sure we would thrive on it.
In some ways, we could not be further apart in type or experience, but we find that adds to our strength. Having core values that are the same seems to be the key component for us. We are a well oiled team and it is fun adding a kidlet to the mix.
Maybe we are odd, but we love being together 24/7 exploring the world!
You are right, best to check this out thoroughly, but perhaps it will work out fine even if you don’t and just jump in!
SoulTravelers3:
Thanks for sharing your experiences! You’re right; I think that if a couple respects one another and understands the strengths and limitations of each partner, they’ll get through just about anything… including a boat ride across the Magdalena River. ;0
And I totally relate to your experience of loving being together 24/7 exploring the world. Francisco and I are together all the time and we don’t get tired of each other at all.
What a great article. You should sell this to The Knot or Brides or Travelgirl…I got married last year and there’s lots of talk out there about couple’s travels, but none of it is practical like this.
My husband and I have different ideas about travel, but like SoulTravelers, they usually seem to complement each other. Our one big hurdle so far has actually been the trip planning process. We both love to research and plan, even the act of booking is sometimes exhilirating so we’ve had a few battles about who gets to do what. I know other couples where this seems like a huge chore and no one wants to do it, and sometimes it doesn’t get done and they end up sitting at home.
The famous boat ride!
Great post Julie. I quickly pulled Urban over to read it!
Though we’ve known each other a little over 2 years, we’ve traveled a bit together – most recently home to Nigeria and way up north to the middle of nowhere in Sweden.
So far, so good
Great entry julie! While I’m not attached, I think its very important for a travel junkie to marry someone with the same style. I can;t be with someone who only stays in resorts!
Thanks, Matt, Lola, and Sarah!
I second Sarah!
I’d say repackage this post and repitch it!! – O Mag, Women’s Day, etc – Just scan mediabistro!
I too have a lot more experience in traveling than does my husband but ironically enough we seem to *hit* when it comes to the type of accommodation and things to do. I still need to make him realize he has to fly someday lol Before we got married we only visited my future parents in law and it wasn’t until last year – when I started to be a travel writer (in papers lol) – that we managed to see more of Europe. We’ve been living together for 6 yrs (2 of which married) so at least we knew a bit abt each other before the “i do” part
I know that it’s not the point– BUT, I love your wedding pic at the top. I think you should post more of those.
Drew and I have totally different travel styles, and over the 8 years we’ve been together, I’ve slowly broadened his “circle of comfort”. (Read: I’ve dragged him around with me). But now we have a system, and he travels with me when he wants, but mostly he likes to stay home (home being Madrid, so I can’t complain there). We’ve also given up on him doing any of the planning or me letting him
Christine- Don’t encourage me! I love our wedding photos and story.
Cristina: Thanks for sharing your experiences!
Lola and Sarah: Thanks for encouraging me to repackage and pitch this piece. I might just do it!
Great advice! Travel styles is a huge issue in my current relationship. Who would have thunk it? I was prepared for discussions about money, sex and children but not travel. Thanks, Julie, for sharing your experiences.
Just stumbled upon this post – great photo of you and Francisco, Julie, and this is such a well written and – dare i say – sensible article. You’re really turning it out!
Thanks, Tim! I was just thinking about Part 2 of the article as we raced to the airport in the pouring rain in a rental car last night and ran to the gate panting. For the thousandth time, I thought, “Why can’t we get this right?!”
Great post Julie! My fiance and I have never really traveled together, but after our wedding in November, we’re going to be criss-crossing India in a rickshaw. We’re both very laid-back people, but its going to test us for sure! Your advice is well taken.
Thanks, Dona! Hope you find it helpful. Traveling with Francisco is wonderful now… though getting to/through/from airports remains a trying time.